I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When are your genitals available?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
