I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
