Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
