Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
