Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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