Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Mom said you looked used
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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