I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
