ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
