from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
