I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize