I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
