bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm at about main and main street
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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