If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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