Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
