I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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