I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
