and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
