Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
