Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
