I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
