He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
