i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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