i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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