I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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