Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
