how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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