I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am available for nakedness
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
