quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
