Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
