Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
