sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize