Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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