I'm going to jail i love you
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
