You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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