i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
