Screwed.edu
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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