I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
