Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
