tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
