my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
