who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
