you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
