There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
