I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
