dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
