Rock
Scissors
Fuck
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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