So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
