Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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