How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My ATM looks so different sober.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
