Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
