I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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