My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
