Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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