Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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