Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
