How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
