i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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