So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
