thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
